Never Thought I’d Say THAT!

????????????????????????????????????????When you thought about becoming a parent, you proably expected you’d say regular things, normal things, things you might expect to find oneself saying.

Then. . .you gave birth to a child, maybe more than one, maybe a child or two who could only be described as unique, challenging, impulsive and surprising. And because of this you now find yourself saying things you could NEVER have dreamed of, things that never cross the lips of regular parents, things that when said outloud are either hysterical or horrifying.

We’re on a mission to collect them. We’ve asked parents to send in some of their best “I-Never-Thought-I’d-Say-THAT” utterances and we’re posting our favorites here.  Some are just funny. Some are so breathtakingly bad that I considered leaving them out. But doggonit, our kids truly do SAY such things. So for better or worse, I’m including them. As more come in, we’ll add to the list. Check back often. The list just may be endless.    

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY. . .

  • No, you’re not going to buy a handgrenade. (over heard in army surplus store)
  • Please don’t eat the snow out of your boots.
  • Don’t let the baby suck on your toes.
  • Honey, most people really don’t like being knocked on their backs when you hug them.
  • Don’t put your toe in your eye while I’m driving.
  • Please stop eating your soup with your hands.
  • No, we don’t write on the baby.
  • What do you mean you cut a hole in your window screen to fit your paint gun through?
  • Could you please wipe your foot prints off the wall?
  • Take the goat out of the bathroom please.
  • I know I’ve never told you not to, but why on earth would you?
  • Don’t salt the chandelier
  • Take another shower and this time use soap.
  • Please move your fit off the train tracks; there’s a train coming. (the child was literally throwing a fit. . .on the tracks. Mom just asked her to move “the fit” to a safer local)
  • Don’t open the car while we’re driving anymore.
  • Did the thing that bit you have legs?
  • Don’t cut the eggplant with the sharp knife while on rollarblades.
  • Honey, the dog doesn’t have an owie;’ that’s his bottom. (said when mom found the child had covered the dog’s rear with dozens of bandaids. Followed immediately by anatomy lesson)
  • No barking. (spoken to child who did a wickedly good barking imitation whenever guests arrived)
  • Remove your hands from the small child’s neck.
  • No sniffing people
  • No more licking gummy bears and throwing them at the ceiling till they stick.
  • No more shouting “Who wants to touch  my weiner?” in Costco when mommy buys you a hotdog.
  • Making paper airplanes in church is fine. TESTING them in church is not. (spoken just after the successful launch made a solid connection with the back of the choir director’s head.)
  • Don’t use that towel bar for chinups either! (spoken near the gaping holes in the plastic from the first round of chinups)
  • We do not greet people by growling or barking at them.
  • Your beautiful letter A’s belong on paper, not on mommy’s carpet with the purple crayon.
  • Spit your brother’s tooth back out and give it back to him.
  • Rubbing green food coloring all over your body will not turn you into the Incredible Hulk.
  • Using soap to wash your fish will not make them clean. (spoken over the fish tank  full of now expired fish).
  • Put your hands where I can see them and step away from your sister. (feel the power of the mom law.)
  • Don’t show the worm to your brother; he’ll eat it.
  • “I need a plastic cover for the window sill,” says mom.  “Why?” says unsuspecting store clerk. “Because my son is chewing it off like a beaver.”
  • Yes, I’m the mom. But you are not the vice mom.
  • Please don’t lick the dog. (what is it with our kids and licking things?)
  • What was your brain telling you before you sat on the doorknob?
  • Honey, if you handle mommy’s pepper spray, remember not to pick your nose again, okay?
  • Excuse me, but did I just say “spell the word toast” or “please lick my eye”? Perhaps you didn’t hear me correctly.
  • Please stop using the tap lights to defibrilate youselves and just go to bed.
  • Get your HEAD outta the cheese!
  • The sunroof is not an exit.
  • No thanks. Mommy doesn’t want to smell your earwax.
  • No, peeing on your brother is not okay, even if your water pistol has run dry.
  • Quit washing your hands in the Holy Water!
  • Where is the head to this baby? (to Sizzler known for dismantling siblings dolls)
  • No, no, don’t ride the baby.
  • Stop eating out of the trash.
  • Don’t eat the food on the ground till you’ve first eaten the food on your plate.
  • Take that egg out of your pocket.
  • Stop chewing on the corner of the dryer door.
  • No, you my not make a swimming pool in the hallway (spoken as child was doing just that.)
  • Stop hitting the cat with a croissant.
  • Please stop eating the dog hair.
  • How can you not know what you ran into? The bruise is between your eyes!
  • Get the caterpillar out of your baby sister’s pants.
  • Don’t lick the hospital bed. (there’s definitely a licking theme here.)
  • You may not call 911 to trick the police.
  • No, I don’t want to smell your hands.
  • Son, dogs say hello by sniffing each others butts. We do not.
  • Why did you spray the lightbulb with water, turn it on and wait for it to sizzle and explode? (answer: it I wanted to see what would happen?)
  • Why did you put plastic food on the lightbulb? (answer: to cook it.)
  • Feel free to leave the Mini-Mouse pull-ups on your head in the grocery store, just don’t walk into anything.
  • What are you. . .FIVE? (says the very tired mom to her THREE year old.)
  • Now MOMMY is going into time out.
  • Please stop sniffing your sister’s armpits.
  • Don’t kiss the goat. He’ll burp on your mouth. (of course we’re all wondering, does she mean the goat or the Sizzler?)
  • Stop sucking on your shirt.
  • Hugs are not weapons.
  • Why do your shoes smell like gasoline?
  • Who colored the cat pink?
  • Why did you lick the plasma lamp?
  • It’s not okay to pee on tricycles.
  • Please stop climbing up the side of the house.
  • Are you able to get your tongue off the bottom of the dining room chair?
  • Your baby sister is not a rug.
  • Stop putting your feet on the ceiling.
  • Just because you read the instructions on mommy’s epipen doesn’t mean you should follow them.
  • Quit fooling around and use this to put out the fire (says the mom casually to her Sizzler while still on the phone)
  • Take that chair OFF, sit down and do your math. (you have to picture this. He had put his legs through the opening, slid the chair up around his waist and was standing to do his math. Only a sizzler!)
  • Please get the bird out of your pants (said to the Sizzler who allowed the guinea hen chick to hide where she pleased.)
  • Please take off ALL your clothes when you get in the shower this time.
  • Take the teapot out of your pants (she should meet the guinea hen girl)
  • We do not do experiments on the baby just to see what will happen.
  • Why did you put yellow food coloring in your brother’s hair?
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31 Responses to “Never Thought I’d Say THAT!”

  1. Vivi Miller Says:

    I’m crying… and hyperventilating… these are HYSTERICAL and I can oh-so-relate to so many of them. In my house it’s: Please stop sniffing your sister’s armpits (or dog’s fanny) and No you cannot kiss the goat, he’ll burp on your mouth.
    Thanks for my belly laugh of the day!

  2. Roberta Says:

    The funny thing is I think I’ve said half of these to my Sizzler!!! And, yes, he does a thing about licking stuff!

  3. Dawn Says:

    I am not sure what is funnier, this post or the fact that I can see myself saying several of those things to my son.

  4. jean Says:

    omgoodness, i can’t remember the last time my family laughed so hard!! my sizzler is 12 and he says….there are some good ideas there!!! HELP! thanks so much for all the giggles gang…

  5. Jane Carter Says:

    Laughing hysterically! Thanks to those who shared their stories.

  6. Lisa Monteith Says:

    Ok – mommy is going into time out not you (used when mommy is not going to react very well to the latest sizzling act)

  7. Michelle Says:

    I have had to remind my son about using shampoo to wash his hair a few times after a bath or shower.
    “Stop sucking on your knee!” is one I say often as he is bent in a position that I can’t even get into while he reads a book.
    Along that theme, this one is less often than it used to be and I hope we’ve broken it now, “Stop sucking on your shirt!” He often would stretch the collar of the shirt out by sucking on it, again while reading.

  8. newbuffalomom Says:

    Hugs are not weapons or attacks.
    Why do your shoes smell like gasoline?
    Please do not give the cat a haircut.

  9. Sara K Says:

    “Who colored the cat pink?”
    Turns out it was put there to coordinate with the orange that someone else had already colored.

  10. Ann Says:

    Stop letting the dog lick the inside of your mouth

    Why did you lick the plasma lamp?

  11. Lori Says:

    Michelle…I have said “get your shirt out of your mouth” soooooooo many times. 🙂 He does the same collar sucking trick.

  12. Lindsey Says:

    “His robot (drawn) can be invincible.” Stated after 5 yo ds claimed his robot was invincible and 11 yo ds (yes, 11) told him that it was not invincible. I mean really, an 11 yo having an argument about that.

  13. Jennifer Says:

    No, it’s not OK to pee in your tricycles! (kids staring at me dumbfounded, like they can’t believe it’s actually not ok)

  14. Laura Says:

    I laughed til I cried. This IS my six year old! Can someone please do some research into the licking/sucking thing please?? It’s driving me crazy!

  15. Kate Says:

    There was a stage when my one child would suck all around the collar of his tee shirts to the point that even washing wouldn’t revive them. He also that year sucked the cuffs off his long sleeved tee shirts until they had holes in them. As a frugal Mom I had bought these shirts large enough to last for 2 winters….. so they had holes in the lower sleeve and he did everything with with the sleeves as far down as they would go usually totally over his hands. It was really cool when he realized that he could fit his thumb through the hole in his lower sleeve…. Unfortunately at one point during a meal and asking him to pull his sleeves off his hands I lost it. I cut the sleeves off. I still feel ashamed of my over reaction as at that stage I just didn’t understand what was going on.

  16. Suzanne McGill Says:

    Laughing so hard that I couldn’t even read them out to the family.
    Many thanks for making me laugh until I cry again.

  17. Kim Snyder Says:

    I have a shirt sucker too. I’m so relieved I’m not the only one! After reading these, I know we’re not alone. Thanks.

  18. Jenny Crow Says:

    Thank you for writing this, I laughed so hard I cried!

  19. Jennifer Says:

    Please stop climbing up the side of the house.

    Can you get your tongue off the bottom of the dining chair leg??? @_@

  20. GMa Says:

    These are all so funny. My husband and I laughed and laughed. We have seen all three of our kids doing many of these things.

  21. Shannon Says:

    Now that I’ve gone back and read these initial ones I am laughing hysterically! I have a son who tried licking the cat once-just to see what it was like!

  22. Heidi Says:

    Thanks so much for the great laugh! So many times I’m tired and overwhelmed by life with my six year old sizzler. Last night I told my boss that I just need to laugh so I don’t cry sometimes. Thanks for giving me the opportunity! …..Here’s another one, “Don’t chew on your toenails, the other kids will run you over.” (While sitting in the middle of the basketball court during practice.)

  23. Tiffany Says:

    Oh my – thank YOU for the laughs – these made me cry & made my husband wonder what in the world I was reading 🙂

  24. Dawn Says:

    Thanks for all the laughs…God has blessed me with two sizzlers girls. The phrase said at least one hundred times a day is ” Will you please get off the washer?” and “Stop letting the dog kiss the inside of your mouth!” “Please quit climbing”..
    Oh and the licking/sucking thing is a sensory thing and I bought aquarium tubing at walmart, cut it in 3 inch straws and would hand it to her when she need to chew..it saves the shirt collars.

  25. Cara Says:

    I read this back when it was first posted, but I re-read it today. I’m nodding my head at some of the comments that I’ve said and laughing hysterically at others. Shared a link to this post on Facebook today! Too good not to share!

    Here’s one I said yesterday: “No, you can’t have a pickaxe. Not even a boy-sized one” (said to my 3 year old).

  26. Julie Says:

    My husband and I (you know him, he’s your pastor) laughed til the tears ran down our cheeks. thanks. “A merry heart does good, like a medicine,” – or something like that, assuming the medicine has been approved by the Food and Drug Admin. and the side-effects are not lethal. Julie

  27. TS Says:

    Here is my personal submission: Son, we do not eat tissues.

  28. laurad999@comcast.net Says:

    I can relate!! Love them!

    And I can add more (another licking one…sort of):

    * Don’t put your tongue on the car window…and press the up and down buttons. (Umm, this just happened with my 13-year-old. Sizzles don’t stop sizzling at puberty.)
    * You may not put your teeth on your sister. I don’t care if you are not actually pressing them down. (Again, not toddlers.)
    * Do not try to slide down the laundry chute.
    * Do not try to slide the cat down the laundry chute.
    * Do not lick the cat scratches.
    * Do not put your sister down the laundry chute. I don’t care if she wants to go.
    * Do not open the door to the laundry chute. Ever.
    * Take the frogs out of your diaper.

    I wish I’d been writing these down over the years! Sometimes I get the weird looks at the grocery store and backtrack to figure out what I said…

    • carolbarnier Says:

      So so funny. We had a laundry chute “incident” as well, requiring vegetable oil for extraction. LOVE the frogs-in-diaper one (although I suspect the frogs were slight less amused. 🙂 ).

  29. Mavis Says:

    Please don’t lick the microwave.

    What is it with sizzlers licking things?

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